


I can't bear this alone

by Murphamy6



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Arkadia, Bellarke, Canon, F/M, Fluff, Ice Nation - Freeform, No city of light, Not Season/Series 03 Compliant, Romance, Slow Burn Bellamy Blake/Clarke Griffin
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-04
Updated: 2017-04-04
Packaged: 2018-10-14 20:14:25
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,265
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10543674
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Murphamy6/pseuds/Murphamy6
Summary: What would have happened if Clarke hadn't left Arkadia after season 2?Clarke decides to stay in arkadia instead of leaving. The weight of her past crimes weigh heavily on her, but those close to her, especially Bellamy keep her strong. 3 months of general peace gives Clarke a lot of thinking time and she is left questioning feelings she never even had time to consider before.





	1. Chapter 1

We stand outside Arkadia and I glance to those inside the camp. Two emotions are depicted through everyone's expressions; happiness and relief. I ache to feel these things too, but my guilt hangs over me like a cloud. I look to Clarke; "I think we deserve a drink" I say, forcing a slight smile. I desperately want to be strong for her, to help carry her pain and regret. "Have one for me" she says, and although I only somewhat understand what she's saying my throat goes dry. I cough out, "We'll get through this.", doing my best to reassure her. Clarke pauses but still says "I'm not going in." I find myself unable to look at her as she says this. I don't want her to see the upset in my eyes. 

I compose myself and swallow, "I get it. If you need forgiveness, I'll give it to you. You're forgiven. Now come inside.", I say, soft yet demanding. Somehow, though, I know she's already made up her mind. However, I still do my best to make sure she knows she's forgiven. She needs to know that no one hates her, no one blames her for anything. It kills me that she even thinks those things about herself.

She shakes her head, clearly decided, "Take care of them for me." She offers me a small smile as she says this and I know that swaying her decision will be nearly impossible. "Clarke..." I stutter out, unsure of what else to say. I want to tell her that I cannot stay sane without her- that she centres me- that I need her...but, I cannot find the words to say this. She can't seem to meet my eyes as she says "Seeing their faces everyday, will only remind me of what I did to get them here," her pain is evident in the way it seems to make her words heavier. "What we did." I say, moving close to her. Sadness then wells up in my chest as I say "You don't need to do this alone." Clarke finally meets my eyes and as her eyes start to water I feel so helpless. 

"I bear it so they don't have to," she says. I want to tell her that she doesn't have to bear anything, that she helped us, that she saved us. But, again, I am unable to find the words. I just look at her, hopeless and praying my eyes say what my mouth otherwise cannot. She leans up to me and pulls me into a hug, her tears wet on my neck. She pulls away and places a kiss on my cheek and, suddenly, something breaks inside of me. "You can't leave me, Clarke." She wipes her tears and just shakes her head, dismissing what I'm saying. "Please...Clarke, I can't bear this on my own". My voice breaks and I swallow, trying desperately to push my tears down. 

"Bellamy," she says, touching my arm gently. "I have to leave, it's what I need to do". I look at her and shake my head, "No, Clarke, it isn't. You need to stay here with me, with your mother, with your friends. I need you, Clarke, we all do." She takes her hand off my arm and starts to move away from me. "No one blames you for any of this, Clarke." I try again to reassure her. "But I blame myself, Bellamy, you have to understand that."  
"Of course I do, but, Clarke, isolating yourself will do no good, ". She responds; "I just can't stay here,". Despite the shake of her head, though, she stops moving away from me.

"Please," I beg, "There are so many people who care so much about you here." My attempts to convince her to stay seem futile, yet I continue to talk. "Maybe you hurt those who lived in Mount Wether, but you don't need to hurt anymore people by leaving." She seems confused and says "No one will be hurt by me leaving." I almost want to laugh at her saying this, "Clarke of course they will. Think about your mother, or Octavia, or Monty, or Raven. And perhaps I can't speak for other people, but I certainly know how much I need you here." She approaches me again, "What about Jasper? I-I...killed Maya...", she chokes out, tears in her eyes. 

"Come here," I say, reaching out and pulling her to me. She seems to melt in to my embrace, leaning on me, as if for support, both emotionally and physically. "He'll come around" I reassure her quietly. She doesn't say anything else but I can feel her body shake with tears. "It's ok. Everything's ok, Clarke. We all want you here. No one is angry at you. I promise." She pulls slightly away from me and then looks at me. She wipes her tears away and nods. "Ok." she says. "Ok? You'll stay?" I ask, hope rising in my chest. She nods and smiles slightly. I can't help the grin that spreads across my face. She wipes all her tears away and stops for a seconds before walking towards Arkadia. "You've made the right decision," I tell her as we walk. "I don't know..." she says, "Being around Bellamy Blake everyday? That's maybe not ideal..." She jokes, bumping my shoulder with hers. 

It's silent for a moment before I say, "How about we get that drink I mentioned earlier?". She nods and smiles and as we walk into the ship, for once, everything seems ok.


	2. Chapter 2

I stumble down the corridors of the ark. It's late, I don't know how late, but me and Jasper were the only ones still awake when I left him. I think I know where I'm going but everything blurs a bit in front of me and I have to steady myself against a wall. My stomach aches and as I touch the wound on my torso my hand comes away sticky with blood. I should be in more pain but a few shots of whiskey have put my pain at ease, blanketing everything in a haze of blurriness and numbness. 

I continue moving forward, trying to find the person I know can help me. As I continue to stagger forwards I find myself tripping over something and before I know it I'm sitting on the floor on my ass. I laugh to myself and everything spins as I try to stand up. I give up and slide back down to the floor. 

I hear a door open in the corridor and I hear footsteps approaching me. The person stops in front of me, "Bellamy?" I hear a familiar voice ask, incredulous. I look up, it's Clarke. A smile spreads across my voice and I slur out "Princess, just who I was looking for!" 

She looks at me, eyebrows furrowed, and annoyance evident on her face. "Are you drunk?" She asks, demanding. "No....." I say slowly, trying to keep my face straight but letting out a drunken giggle when I see her angry face. 

"Bellamy. I don't have time for this." She says shaking her head. She starts to walk back to her room, but I stand up quickly, the corridor spinning as I do so. "Wait!" I say as I lurch over to her. "I need your help." She crosses her arms over her chest and stops outside of her door, "With what?" She asks. "Uh I'm bleeding" I say, childlike. I pull up the hem of my shirt to show her the knife wound in my stomach.

"Jesus! Bellamy!" She says, worried yet scorning. She pulls me into her room, shutting the door behind her. "Lie down," she orders, as she collect medical equipment. I stumble over to her bed and snuggle into her sheets. I'm starting to doze off before I'm awaken by Clarke pouring alcohol onto my wound. "Ow! I'm trying to sleep here!" I protest. Clarke rolls her eyes "You're such an idiot when you're drunk, Blake.". 

I stay quiet as she continues to patch up my wound, and finally she says "Done." She gets up and washes her hands and then comes to sit on her bed next me. "So, you wanna tell me why you have a stab wound, and why you didn't decide to tell anyone?" 

I pause, unsure about telling her the truth, but finally I say "I went out for a walk. It was late and I had no weapons. I know it was stupid, but I didn't expect anything to happen, we have been undisturbed for so long." Clarke nods as if urging me to continue. "I wasn't far from Arkadia when I was attacked. There were two men on horseback. They didn't seem to want to kill me, it's more like they were trying to prove something..." 

"Perhaps they were trying to send a message?" Clarke probes. "I think so, yes," I say with a nod. "Who were they?" She asks. "They wore thick winter clothing and white face paint, so take your guess," I say, the talk slightly sobering me up, but the alcohol still tiring me. 

"Ice nation." Clarke concludes. I nod in response. We are silent until Clarke asks "Why did you get drunk instead of going to medical or coming to me straight away?". I shrug, "I guess it was a lot to handle. Things have been so good here recently, I didn't want to burden anyone with the bad news." Clarke looks at me, long and hard, finally she says, "You know you can tell me stuff like this." I nod, feeling bad that I kept this from Clarke. "I just didn't want to stress you, I know how heavily the events at Mount Wether have weighed on you." 

"God, you're an idiot sometimes," she says, rolling her eyes, fond. She seems to sense my fatigue and says, "You should get some rest". She stands up from the bed and moves to the sofa on the other side of the room. "What are you doing?" I question. "I can't take your bed," I say. "You have to rest though," she says earnestly. 

"Come here, this bed is big enough for two," I say, still tipsy enough to make this request. She hesitates but comes over nevertheless. I shuffle across to the other side of the bed and she slides in next to me. She leans over to turn off her light and settles. "Night Clarke, and thank you." She turns over me and in the dark I can see a slight smile on her face, "Night, Bellamy." 

I wake up to my head pounding and I squint at the light streaming in through the window. I rub my eyes and try to ignore how dry my throat is. Clarke isn't next to me and I look for her. She's by a makeshift wardrobe, her back to me. She hasn't realised I'm awake yet and I study her. She pulls a shirt out of the wardrobe and I try not to look as she pulls her top off. I try not to think about the way her back muscles tense as she moves her arms and how the early morning sun turns her skin golden. 

I push myself up in bed and this alerts Clarke of my consciousness. She pulls her shirt over her head and turns to face me. "You ok?" She asks. I nod, and joking I say "My hangover is worse than the damn stab wound." She laughs. "There's some water on the table next to you, I figured you would've needed it" she says. I grab the glass, my wound stinging as I do and finish the water in one. 

"So..." She says, "We need to tell everyone about the threat of ice nation." I nod in agreement, "When?" I ask. "Now." Clarke responds. I sigh and pull myself out of bed, wishing I could just stay here with Clarke. Peace is all I desire, but we live on the ground so I suppose that's an unrealistic wish. Me and Clarke walk out of her room, ready to deliver bad news for what seems like the hundredth time.


	3. Chapter 3

"So, how do we deal with ice nation?" I ask as I, Clarke, Kane, Abby and Lincoln stand in Abby's office.

"We need to take out the ice queen, with her gone ice nation will be weak and vulnerable," Lincoln says. Despite my original hatred of the guy I gotta say he's been quite useful. "And how do we know that? They'll hate us more if we kill her." Clarke questions, an eyebrow raised. Bellamy can tell she doesn't agree with Lincoln and he almost laughs at how indignant she can be sometimes. 

"The ice queen banished her son, and heir, years ago." Lincoln states. Clarke looks at him, eyebrows furrowed, God she's stubborn, I think to myself. . "And, if we kill the queen he will become king. He will be in debt to us." Lincoln continues. Finally Clarke nods, reluctantly realising that what Lincoln is saying makes sense. Despite what she says Bellamy knows she likes to be in control. 

"But how do we take out the ice queen?" Abby asks what we are all thinking. There is silence until Kane speaks up, "Perhaps we could form a coalition with trikru?". I look over at Clarke, her face is stone. I know how much Lexa's betrayal hurt her. Clarke would do anything not to see trikru or their commander again. But, before she can interject, I agree, "We have a common enemy, and they know we have the weapons to take the ice queen down. We just need their men." 

"Their commander has already betrayed us once why wouldn't they do it again?" Clarke demands. 

Kane shrugs and says "We can't know that they won't, but right now it's our best chance at creating peace with ice nation.". Clarke doesn't respond to Kane but just looks to her mother. Abby ignores Clarke's pleading eyes and instead says, "So, it's settled. Kane get your best men and make sure they bring guns. Clarke, Bellamy and Lincoln go with Kane, and bring Octavia. You leave at first light." 

We all nod and leave the chancellors office, except Clarke, of course. I shut the door behind me, but wait in the corridor for Clarke. I can hear muffled yelling and then suddenly the door slams open and Clarke storms out, bumping into me. I grab on to her arm as she falls into me, "Look where you're going princess," I say, smirking.

"Just leave me alone, Bellamy," she says tearing her arm from my grip. She walks past me and down the corridor, but my longer legs allow me to easily catch up to her. "Look, I know you're mad Clarke, but we have to do this." She suddenly stops and turns to face me, prodding a finger in my chest, "Don't tell me not to be mad," she spits out. 

"You're being irrational." I tell her. "Lexa betrayed me! And now you want a coalition with them?" She asks, her anger practically seeping out of her. I step closer to her, my lips curled into a snarl, "She betrayed all of us. We all suffered at her hand. And I don't know if you remember, but I was a prisoner in Mount Wether when she left us. Where were you? Oh that's right, safe on the outside. If anything I should be more mad than you." 

Clarke looks up at me, seemingly not knowing what to say. We are close, close enough that I can feel her hot breath against my neck as she tries to calm her breathing. I have to move away from her, my anger and her proximity to me build up and my head starts to ache. 

Her voice is quiet, barely audible, but I hear her say "Look I'm sorry, Bellamy", she swallows harshly and then continues, "I just thought... I thought I meant more to her than that..." I can tell this is hard for Clarke to talk about and so I just nod and stay silent. I move towards her again, and rest my hand on her shoulder, unsure. She seems to lean in to me, and her head rests gently on top of my hand. She breathes in shakily and I pretend not to notice her watery eyes. "It is the right thing to do," she finally agrees, "Its just going to be hard". "It will," I say, "But you're strong Clarke, and you've been through so much worse. You can handle Lexa." Clarke nods and gives me a look that silently thanks me. She steps away from me suddenly as if now realising her head resting on my hand. 

"See you tomorrow," she starts to walk away. "Get some rest, Clarke," I say, even though I know she will be up all night, worrying. 

The next day, I sit in the drivers seat of one of the rovers, waiting to leave for Polis. I'm curious about the city, and it amazes me that in less than 100 years a whole city was rebuilt. Anticipation fills me, as well as anxiety, 

Clarke slides into the seat next to me, and tells me it's time to go. I glance at her as we drive, "You ok?" I ask. "Fine," she nods, not meeting my eyes. I know we aren't going to talk about yesterday, she hates seeming weak, especially in front of me. 

I sigh, I wish she was able to see how much I cared for her, that she could open up to me about anything. 

Finally, after a silent, and somewhat awkward journey we reach Polis. We park the two rovers in the outskirts of the city, and start to walk into it. We get stared at and talked about as we walk through the city, but our guns seem to keep everyone at bay, Octavia glaring at anyone who looks at her the wrong way.

As we get closer to the city centre I stare up in awe at the tower ahead of us. I dreamed of places like these when I lived on the Ark, and this is the closest thing I've seen to an actual building since being on the ground. We get to the base of the tower, and I suppose word travels quickly here because two guards are waiting for us. They don't question who we are, or even take our weapons, and instead just take us inside and into an elevator. I suppose Lexa still trusts us, even if we don't trust us. 

I look over at Clarke as the elevators goes up. She's twiddling her fingers, and biting her lip, evidently nervous. As the elevator slows to a stop we all get out, Clarke hesitating. She finally steps out of the elevator and I reach over and give her hand a reassuring squeeze before we enter the room of the commander. 

Clarke walks into the room ahead of us and we all follow behind, apprehensive. Lexa looks at Clarke with marvel. "Clarke..." Lexa says, her voice soft. 

Clarke pulls up her eyes to look at Lexa, and it's like their eyes are telling each other a thousand things. I feel like we are imposing on something private, and I look away out of respect. 

Yet, deep down I know that isn't the only reason I look away. Seeing their connection makes jealousy boil up inside of me, and I clench my fists trying to repress it.


End file.
